I feel like a total mess.
Well, there's a lot going on in my head today after I got home at 8 in the morning a while ago. And then I slept 'til noon and that's when I started feeling depressed.
Last night was just a disaster, and it was supposed to be fun.
So I feel frustrated. Howard disappointed me last night so we fought, and made up.It's just that, I don't want our relationship to be a case of "You and me against the world". And then a really close friend of mine did something really...unethical? I just don't know what to do and I can't understand why he has to do that.
And then there's another feeling that's seems to be eating up my insides causing me to feel almost sick. You know that terrible feeling where you feel that you are unloved; that even if something bad happens to you, say, you are murdered on a dark alley and still your so-called friends couldn't care less or give a shit or may not even attend your wake. I don't know why but I'm guessing that this could be possible since my name was left out of a group message. I wonder why it was even sent to me in the first place when my name isn't even in there. So I guess what I'll just do is forget I was even there last night.
Erase, erase. I wasn't in that "REUNION".
And then I feel like a karma victim. You see, yesterday I went to school to get my clearance and enroll and I avoided someone because I am annoyed by her. And yes, I am aware that it was a mean thing to do since it was so obvious that I am avoiding her but I also feel that it's the right thing to do, in a way. Better that than to pretend I still like her. But I have reason to hate her. Hate is a strong feeling, yes. It is also inevitable. In this life, we come across people who are so hateful like a bottle of poison or a group of nasty, skanky bitches. So I really cannot stop not liking her.
I cannot help thinking that my meanness caused the disastrous night.
But whatever.
There's no stopping sucky days and nights from happening.
However, there's this tiny little bit of silver lining in that suckfest of a night. I get to be with Howard and he said sorry and admitted that he was the wrong one for being KJ. And I love him for that. There is nothing I can do about the impressions he had made but whatever. He stated his point for being like that so I listened and understood him. I'm not gonna change my mind about him.






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Sorry for this muddled, confused post. I was hoping that by writing my feelings down, some of their weight may be lifted from me.
Let's just hope I'm right.