Last week I heard this news that a male student from CSB offed himself by jumping from a building. Weeks before this, another CSB student, a Korean girl, killed herself also by jumping from a building.
I learned on Tuesday that the guy who committed suicide is someone that I know. But we're not close. I'm not even sure if he knows me. But you know, when you hear of someone dying, it might not have an effect on you if you don't know the person. But if you do know the person, even if you're not of kin or you don't share some close-ness or a special bond or whatever, in a way you get affected. I don't know with others but it certainly does so for me. Last last summer our next-door neighbor passed away and I was affected but I didn't feel bereaved. It's just something I can't explain. When I heard the news, I felt sad in a way.
So I thought about suicide, but not doing it of course!
SUICIDE.
According to Wikipedia, Views on suicide have been influenced by cultural views on existential themes such as religion, honor, and the meaning of life. Most Western and Asian religions—the Abrahamic religions, Buddhism, Hinduism—consider suicide a dishonorable act; in the West it was regarded as a serious crime and offense against God due to religious belief in the sanctity of life.
They say that when your life ended through suicide, you will go straight to hell. No judgement, no anything.
Of course we all know the usual reasons for suicide: depression, stress, mental disorders etc.
This dude, Emile Durkheim developed a theory about it. According to him, The rapid change in society due to increasing division of labor thus produces a state of confusion with regard to norms and increasing impersonality in social life, leading eventually to relative normlessness, i.e. the breakdown of social norms regulating behavior; Durkheim labels this state anomie. From a state of anomie come all forms of deviant behavior, most notably suicide.
So it must be that those suicidal people were deeply affected with the continuous changes in society that they lost their values, suffered from some kind of "social disorder" and it eventually led to suicide. That is my understanding of the theory.

But...anywaaaaaaaaaaaaay....
I'm gonna stop referring to the things (and the people) I learned in my Sociology class. People might start thinking I'm smart (well I'm not).
For me, we each have our own views. We see life in different perspectives. That's why we have pessimists and optimists.
For instance, me and my family are in deep shit right now. Ok, I'm exaggerating. But we're having a major problem right now. And I'm constantly under pressure and stress because of studying. Things are changing fast around me that I'm constantly struggling to keep up. There are times when I feel lonely and hopeless, but I didn't think of slitting my wrists or overdosing on pills. And it's most likely that their problems are nothing compared to my situation right now.
But they chose to end it all.
Maybe suicidal people are pessimists, only worst. Maybe, for them, Life is a struggle and its end is dark, as suggested in the lyrics of the Anglo-Saxon in their lais.
Maybe for them, life is not a challenge, and surrendering is the best thing to do. Yes, you can say that they're weak. But it's the way they view life.
But we can't blame them. They're under pressure. Their misery is stronger than their determination to stay alive and keep on fighting.
It might seem that I understand suicidal people. But all of those are just what I think. I mean, I'm not an academic, it's just my understanding of them.

But I was just thinking (since I still have a Dead Poets Society hang-over),
what if those people who committed suicide stood on desks and tried to see the world in a different way and their problems on a different light, would they have gone on a little bit longer...or would they haven't gone on at all?

When my dad told me that I couldn't enroll in DLSU, I really took it the hard way. As in, inayakan ko talaga siya 'cause I wanted to study European Studies. But when I know I had no other choice left but to accept that I am going to be a Thomasian, I thought about shifting...to Biology (it's entirely the fault of Dr. House, he inspired me and I thought I wanted to be a doctor then). Literature was my first choice. But at the time when I wrote it down on the application form, I was thinking about what interests me the most. And that's it. Literature. Books, English, writing. And since there's no Creative Writing, I chose Literature.
So why did I think of shifting?
Because during that time, I was thinking of the future. Biology is a BS course, and we all know that BS courses spell B-I-G B-U-C-K-S. While European Studies can land me a job in an embassy, it can take me to countries in Europe and to other wonderful jobs if I study hard, and that's why I was so disappointed then.
I was thinking about the money.
And why shouldn't I? I'm the eldest and I know that there will come a time when my parents are gonna rely on me to shoulder the family expenses because they're gonna be too old to work.
So going back to Literature, I am well aware of those things that people say, Na wala akong mapapala sa Lit., Mahirap maghanap ng trabaho, etc. etc. blah blah yadda yadda.
Personally, I believe that Literature is out-of-place in this country. Few take up Lit. because this is a third world country, it's all about surviving. People have to work hard and persevere in order to do so. So they take up Nursing, Engineering...careers that could take them abroad, careers that could enable them to make millions.
Whereas, Literature cannot.
That's what people think.
Ok, so I've written quite a lot already so I'm gonna go straight to my point now.
We watched The Dead Poets Society during our Lit. 201 class a while ago. And it is so good that I thought to myself, Why haven't I watched it before? How could I have NOT thought of watching it? It was so brilliant.
So after the movie, it's official: I love my course. I mean, this is where I belong. I don't want to take up Biology and be an endocrinologist (like House) just for the sake of making lots of money. Sure, I have plenty of money, but if I'm not happy in what I'm doing, then never mind. There's also a good chance that I won't be able to finish the course if that is the case.
Our Lit. 101 professor, Ralph Semino Galan, who first took up Chemical Engineering (but then of course he didn't like it) before finally shifting to Literature, said on our first meeting that he'd "rather be a poor, literary person than a rich, mediocre engineer".
From now on, I'm not gonna mind the things that people say. For me, I can find a job and make lots of money as a degree-holder in Literature if I put my heart into it and if it's what I want. Besides, I don't think I would want to look at the world with a scientist's eye, observing the scientific things conatined in it and giving scientific explanations of why and how things work. Rather, I'd like to view it as it is: with all its beauty or lack thereof. In Dead Poets Society, the character of Robin Williams, John Keating said, "...Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for."
Exactly.
Scientists devote their lives in explaining, studying and figuring things out . Writers/poets, on the other hand, observe and appreciate, and then put them into words.

Nice. Her voice made the song sound like it's a cleverly-written one.

By the way, did you know that in the gay lingo, instead of saying ulan, you say JULANIS MORISSETTE.
Yeah.

Prelims was cancelled today because it's raining.....heat and sunshine outside. And we've only got one test left. Pfft.

I stayed up 'til 1 in the morning a while ago, reading my old posts in my archives.
I could say that A LOT has changed. Those were the happy times, I guess. Sure, some of my posts back then also has the same life-is-against-me-will-anything-good-happen-to-me drama that you can also find in my recent posts. But I know that I was HAPPY then.
You know, carefree. Not a care for the world.
I had problems then. But they were all about school; how I can't understand a thing in Math, how to deal with a Physics teacher who's out to get me, how I can manage to do the pile of projects that my teachers are giving us, those kinds of things.
I was 16 then, and 15.
Happy times.
Everything's changed now.
Now, I truly understand that nothing in this world is permanent. Things and people come, and they also go.
Back in those days, my family and I would always go malling every weekend, we'd just shop and watch movies and eat on fine dining restaurants.
I was so maluho then. As in. I'd just ask Dad for something, a book, an original CD, new clothes, a new pair of havs, a new watch, an Ipod, and I'd get it.
It's really hard now that everything's changed. Well, let's just say that we can't afford to be maluho anymore.
Last night, it pained me to see how I lived what I like to call "my old life". I'd do anything to live that way again. I can get away with anything, being so young and worry-free.
I know that I'm turning 18 soon and that I'll have to be grown-up. But, I'm still 17 now and in this situation we're in, my parents need me to be grown-up. I decided to just look stoic in front of my mom and my brother and my other relatives, but, whenever I'm alone with just my thoughts, I can't help but worry and think and miss the old times.
And I'm not yet prepared to grow up. In fact, it scares me. People will expect you to do everything on your own-and to do them right. Whereas if you're young and under 18, they'd forgive you, seeing that you're only A KID.
I guess I should just avoid looking at those archives.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. No point dwelling in the past, gotta keep moving forward.
It just never occured to me that looking back at those posts would make me feel this way.
Nevertheless, I'm NOT gonna remove my archives.
If everything turned out fine, I'd be able to look back at this post and hope that me and my family will never be caught in a situation like this ever again.

When I was in grade six, I had this brown notebook on which were written poems I made myself.
I have no idea where it is now.
I remember how my classmates marvelled over my poems. By the way, they were mostly about la-la-la-la-LOVE. The never-ending...
'Cause you see, I had crushes then. I mean like, serious crushes. Whatever the hell THAT means.
So anyhoo, I also wrote about how life sucks, yadda yadda, blah blah blah.
I wrote poems until I 2004.
Then after that I stopped.
I just lost the will, I guess.
I made a futile attempt when I was in 3rd year but...I stopped on the 2nd verse because it's crap. I myself had no idea what it's about or where it's going.
I haven't tried to make one since.
I just made this post because I found out that some of my classmates write poems. It's just that, I don't feel like I belong in my Literature class if I don't have that hobby of writing poems.
But I'm planning on going back to writing. But it's not because my classmates are doing it, but because of the shit that's been happening to me and my family lately.
And people tend to write good poems while they're sad, right?
So in my case, I'm on the verge of...I don't know, committing suicide.
Everything's so not right.
I don't know what to do anymore.
*sob*



I'm being so effing emo.
But really, my life's so fucking messed-up right now that it amazes me how I can still laugh...



let alone LIVE.





P.S.
Don't worry, I'm really, really not suicidal.
So what I'm gonna do is study HARD and make myself filthy rich so that I can get back to the people that's making me feel this way.
BWAHAHAHAHA!
You just wait, you horrible, lying, advantageous...
FUCKTARDS.
I don't know, this word's been playing in my head for quite some time now. It's kinda cool, isn't it?

So I've been tamad to update.
I need a break.
And the prelims haven't even started yet.
So what happened to me?
Well, I've finished Deathly Hallows weeks ago.
Snape died.
I was shocked. As in, after reading about his demise, I put the book down and I just stared into space. It was HOURS after I resumed reading.
So many characters died. It was a killing fest. I thought Rowling said only two important characters are gonna die.
Lupin, Tonks, Fred. TSK TSK.
My two favorite characters, Snape and Tonks, were finished off.
It's so sad.
And I'm so stressed. Frazzled. Exhausted. FED UP.
I'm cramming for this paper in Sociology that's due on Friday already.
Everything's just not right.
And my blog is a dead cell. No new tags. Not updated often.
Shutdown ko na?
Yuck Eco eh noh.
Nobody reads it anyway.