Written:09.28.06

No classes today. And no electricity, too. The storm's FURIOUS. I miss my Ipod, I wish it's here with me today. There's no signal, too. Dunno why. So I can't do anything except read a book so I vowed to finish Dracula today. Yes, I am reading Dracula on a dark, gloomy day. Haha. But I got a bit scared on the part of "The Bloofer Lady", so I decided to stop for a while. God, it's boring here...and cold. But I know that this coldness that I'm feeling is not just because of the storm outside. It's just that...PEOPLE CAN BE SO COLD. Let me elaborate this: DES HATES ME RIGHT NOW. I honestly don't know why. But, I have an inkling, it's just that...God, I don't know. And I didn't want to confront her yesterday 'cause she won't talk to me properly. So I just left it at that. I don't want a fight. I still consider her my BEST FRIEND. The BESTEST friend I ever had. She had helped me through A LOT. Even if they're just trivial things such as helping me get rid of a stain on my skirt. Okay, I won't feel nostalgic now. I hate that feeling, it makes me sad.
Okay, so here's the deal. I feel lie I'm losing her. And I don't want to. I just want it to be like the old times. Whe we are "open" to each other. I never hid things from her. I tell her EVERYTHING. But right now, I feel as if that "openness" is gone between us. She's not the same anymore. Or is it me who've changed? I just hope that whenever she feels mad at me or something, she would TELL ME so that we can talk about it. I don't want it to be like...this. Honestly, I got frustrated at her yesterday. She isn't at all like the friend I've known since 1st year. She seemd so cold and distant she would'nt even look at me. God, I wish we could work things out.

Yesterday was really bad.

But it was also yesterday that I learned or rather, experienced "loving someone as a friend". When we say, "I love him/her as a friend" or "ONLY AS A FRIEND", it usually means we are letting someone down gently. Alright, picture this:You've got a guy friend whom you've known since you were in prep or something. But now that you're all grown up and your raging hormones are taking over you and you feel like you HAVE to love someone, your guy friend suddenly confesses his "undying love" for you out of the blue. And you, of course, would feel that it isn't right since you only see him as your best guy friend and nothing else. So to let him down gently after he professed "I love you", you might say "I love you, too...but only as a friend" instead of "Huh? But you've seen me in my worst haircut EVER, we played in the mud, I've seen your booger-picking habit come and go. WE ARE BEST FRIENDS since the beginning of time. I don't undersstand." See?
But yesterday...I don't know. I guess I felt praning or whatever. I felt inexplicably frustrated. I cannot EXPLAIN what really happened, it's not for all the world to see (or for what little number of readers I have to see). But going to the "loving someone as a friend" bit, I think I'll just define this phrase based on what I had experienced.

--It's worrying for "that" someone when you feel like "that" someone is up to something
--It's being hurt when you realized that "that" someone is probably hiding something from you
--It's if you cannot help but feel "angry, mad, infuriated" with "that" someone 'cause you've got a strong feeling that "that" someone had done something bad
--And it's getting all emotional and suddenly waking up in the middle of the night and crying like a silly fool bec. you're too overwhelmed by...

BASTA! Gosh. Yun yon.

I know that this may look malabo to you. Basta ako lang nakakaintindi nito ngayon.
If my assumptions are correct, God, I wouldn't know what to do. Now that everything between us is okay and a far cry from the way we were last year. Yes, I know I'm being so emo and praning and way too much ma-drama. I don't know what to think anymore.
It's a good thing I don't have a love life. That would be another problem.
LIFE'S A BITCH
A cruel, cold-hearted bitch....and she's out to get me.
Boohoo.....

Written:10.02.06

Problems.
They never end.
Everyone has problems.
Even the Rich has problems.
I have problems. Right now, my best friend hates me, my bookshelf is forever a mess, exams are coming up and I can’t understand a single thing in Math.
But why do we have problems? What’s the point of them? To make us stronger? Hah. Yeah, right.

And for today:

Na-move yung exams sa 13 and 14. Right now, I feel like there's this huge weight on my shoulder.No, it's not Natre (from Shutter) 'cause I've got nothing to do with her so she can't haunt me. It's those stupid, pointless schoolworks. I'm looking forward to the day when that burden will be lifted from my shoulders. And that day is GRADUATION DAY. Yun yon.
Alam nyo ba, ngayon ko lang pala napagtanto na ang gusto ko talagang course is EUROPEAN STUDIES. Eh sa ADMU at sa DLSU ako kumuha nun. sa UP hindi kasi di ko pa alam yun nung mga panahong yon. Shet...
Hmph.
We're not okay yet. With Miguel, OK na. But I mean with Des, NOT YET. And I hope it's not NEVER AGAIN.
I miss her, you know.
I'm not really mad, just...I don't know how I'm feeling. ANG GULO NG UTAK KO.
I'm currently reading Veronika Decides To Die and I won't be surprised if one day I will be admitted to a mental hospital for depression. Although I'm not sure if they require "depressed" patients to be admitted into a mental hospital here. Hay nako, ewan, wala akong alam. But I'm really getting bored with doing the same things over and over again everyday. I wonder if college will enable me to explore new horizons or something? Pero hopefully, makapasa sa UST or sa...ADMU? Heehee...ADMU. Asa-ness. Kasi yung European Studies eh...mahirap kaya yun? Lalo na sa UP, asa-ness. Anyway, I'll be taking the ET for DLSU on Sunday. Nakakatamad nga eh.
Hmph, kakanta na lang ako...

PARACHUTES
-Pearl Jam-

Why deny
All the troubles then combined
With the missing links
It don't feel like home now...

That you're gone
All the troubles
Suddenly explained infinitum
You're always wishing and never here at home

You
All the dreams we shared and
Lights we turned on
But the house is getting dark

And I don't want to know your past
But together share the dawn
And I won't need

Nothing else
'Cause when we're dead
We would've had it all

And died
I would've fallen from the sky
'Til you
Parachutes have opened now

Heaven knows if there's a ceiling
Come so low with the kneeling
Please know that I got

All the friends I'm needing
Before my light goes out
As the doors are closing now

And far away will be my home
And to grasp this, I don't know
And I don't need

Further back and forth, a wave will break on me today
And love...wish the world could go again with love
One can't seem to have enough
And WAR...break the sky and tell me what it's for
I'll travel there on my own
And love...what a different life
Had I not found this love with you

Yun yon eh!

Last Tuesday, since there were no classes, I watched The Breed with Migs. Ang pogi ni ERIC LIVELY todo bigay! And ang sexy ni Michelle Rodriguez. But the movie sucks, don't watch it.
I'm gonna watch The Reaping, Pulse and I can't wait for Spiderman 3. Topher Grace, yahoo!
Migs attempted to draw an anagram bearing my name and Isma's a while ago during Physics. Astig, man. Pero ipo-polish pa daw nya. I'll post them here some other time.